i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
