the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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