You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
