The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
