So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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