At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
