i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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