Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
