4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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