i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
