Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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