Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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