he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
