I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
