getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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