Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I checked into jail on foursquare
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
