I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
