Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
