WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
