Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
