I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
