apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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