I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
