When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
