i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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