yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You are the jesus of drinking
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
