Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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