Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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