my phone needs a breathalizer
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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