There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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