John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
