The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
