I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
