you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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