Your face is a jimmy john
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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