I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
