i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
