Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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