we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
