I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
