i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
