She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
