She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We have started to decorate penises.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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