dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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