Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
