Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Randomize
