24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Life is so much better after having sex.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The power of my boobs compel you
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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