oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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