that's an acceptable place to lick
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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