Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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