if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
