And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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