Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
What a dumb baby whore.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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