Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
