We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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