mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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